I Respect My Child’s Right to Say No

It was the much awaited family reunion. Everyone wanted to shower blessings on my two and half year old son. Seeing so many new faces around him, my little one was feeling a little uncomfortable and buried his head in my shoulder.  There were maternal and paternal grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins and some of them expected hugs and kisses from the little one even when he was not comfortable.   Initially to respect their feelings, I urged him to endure and even return the uncomfortable physical contact but then the maternal instinct took over and I politely refused. That day as parents, both my husband and I decided that we will not force our son to hug or kiss anyone including his own parents when he doesn’t want to.  

Forced affection or respect is never genuine has been the guiding mantra for us. In my journey of motherhood so far I have always witnessed that whenever children express affection on their own it is well received by everyone. As parents we need to respect the child’s personal space and boundaries by not forcing them and by simply asking them if they would like to give a kiss or a hug. Forcing children to show physical affection to relatives against their will may teach him to accept violation of their intimate space, making them vulnerable to sexual abuse.

Also we need to understand that declining physical affection to people in a position of authority does not amount to bad behaviour. And while this may momentarily disappoint a relative or a friend in the short-term, but the grown adults should be able to handle rejection and the burden doesn't need to be placed on a child to make an adult feel better.  Alternatives like a polite handshake or ‘Namaste’ could be a better option and can be a lesson in boundaries for both children and adults. Children can exhibit good manners in social situations in a lot of other ways like greeting guests politely, help walk an elderly member to the door, saying goodbye or, when they're in someone else's home, thank them for hosting.

“Everyone is in charge of their own bodies”, is a   phrase that we have echoed often to our son. This serves a good reminder when he is playing with his friends and as well as when an adult is asking him to hug or sit in their lap. As a mom I sincerely hope that it is a value that he will ingrain deeply so that he is confident in saying ‘NO’ to any unwanted affection in any difficult situation he faces when he grows up. We need to teach our children irrespective of their gender and age about bodily autonomy and consent.