Dear Son, You Can Do Anything A girl Can Do!

Oh!  You can be anything you want my dear – an astronaut, an engineer or even join Defense services; that is what most of us tell our daughters these days.

You want to play football or cricket? Why not? See our Indian Women’s National Cricket team is doing so well.

You want to choose shorts over skirt? Sure, wear whatever you are comfortable wearing.

If you don’t want to get married! Perfectly fine! 

This is our way of empowering our daughters and teaching them that they can achieve anything and their gender shouldn’t stand in their way. From ‘Chak De India ‘ to ‘Dangal’  our Bollywood movies have   done their bit in sensitizing the audience about gender equality.  As parents we are working so hard not to stereotype our girls as homemakers and delicate princess. No doubt, in today’s world the girls have more choices for the roles they want to play. 

But what are we doing for our sons? The world and roles for boys are still so confined. If we can encourage our daughters to play cricket and become scientists, then can we ask our sons to learn Kathak, play with dolls or become a nurse? Probably most of the parents would not like to do so! The boys are discouraged from having any interest which is feminine according to the societal norms. Boys are supposed to be tough and can’t cry or feel vulnerable or sad. The other day someone told my two year old “Don’t cry like a girl”. Is it fair? When they grow up they need to have a career and provide for their families .For girls it is still optional, they can either work outside home or stay at home.

 If we want an equitable society then both the genders need to thrive and our boys need to have more choices. We need to give them the confidence to pursue whatever they are passionate about.

So when my little one was born, we as parents decided to consciously stay away from enforcing stereotypes. With a professional background of Child Development, I  knew that until the age of three or four children don’t associate any gender with their bodies .And as they grow old their perspective is framed by their environment — family, the neighborhood and school. That’s why from the very beginning we decided to focus on a more gender neutral upbringing by doing the following tangible things:

1.No activity is meant for just  women or men  - Aarush, like most kids is fascinated by my bright colored lipsticks and nail polish and wants to apply them too. Instead of telling him that it’s only for girls, I tell him that he can wear them when he is a big boy as mom applies it now that she’s a big girl. He has a kitchen set along with a tool set to play with. As parents we always believe that children learn about the world and about themselves through play, and when we don’t limit their choices-whether it’s with regards to toys or hobbies or even the colours they choose to wear- it allows them to express and understand themselves better and therefore to grow into more balanced people.

 We know that action speaks louder than the words so at our home we try our level best to resist gender role in child-rearing activities and household chores. My son knows that both mom and dad go for work and both of them can do cooking or any other chore.  At our house, everything is everybody’s job.

2. Boys cry too! - Boys like girls are allowed to have feelings, lets settle that for once and all. Our daughters are allowed to be human beings but our sons are expected to be supernatural. Every sobbing male child or young adult is told -“Are you a girl?" or "Don't behave like a girl". “Ladke nahi rote hain!" as only the 'weaker sex' can cry, not boys and definitely not men as they are always meant to be 'tough'. The phrase ‘man up’ has been a major part of every guy’s socialization. There is immense pressure on men to conceal their emotions, make themselves indifferent to an extent that they don’t allow themselves to admit their pain, both to the world and themselves. There’s always the pressure to be that hero who is not scared of anything and mind you, he never ever shows the world that he feels pain.In the hindsight,  it prepares them to think that they are inherently a stronger sex and women who are considered to be the weaker sex must be submissive to them at all points of time. This also makes their aggression, anger and bad behaviour acceptable.  To raise an ‘emotionally intelligent’ boy, we need to tell them that  it’s OK to say things like, ‘I am scared,’ ‘My feelings are hurt,’ ‘I need help’ or ‘I feel like crying. ‘We need to allow our boys to live their lives according to their own likes and dislikes, feel and express emotions, most importantly, allow themselves to be a human.

3.Teach boys to take care of themselves and others –I personally know some grown up men who live on the mercies of others. They are totally dependent on their mothers and after marriage on their wives.  They have absolutely no idea about housecleaning, cooking, laundry or how to look after themselves. This is really so sad. While raising our daughters we teach them to cook, clean and look after themselves so that they are confident enough to survive in any circumstances. There are certain basic life skills which we need to teach our boys too. They should know how to take care of themselves and others. Giving our young boys certain responsibilities like looking after younger sibling or pets, helping grandparents , watering the plants etc will surely make them more responsible, caring and sensitive individuals.

4.Respecting consent and choice – Teaching boys about consent and respect at an early age is something I strongly feel about. We need to teach our sons to respect boundaries. They must not be made to feel like their gender entitles them to anything. I have always told my son that he is in charge of his body, and similarly, others are in charge of their own. Sometimes Mama or Papa doesn’t want to be hugged or kissed and that is their wish, similarly sometimes he may not want to be hugged and he is free to tell me that. People have their own personal space and it cannot and must not be intruded upon without permission. We need to respect the wishes of those we are interacting with. Other than learning about respecting women when they grow up, this will also help them to respect their own personal space and will help to raise an alarm is anyone touches them inappropriately. In most of the reported child sexual abuse cases a girl is a victim but studies indicate that boys are equally or even more at risk of being abused. Contrary to common societal beliefs, male child sexual abuse is not a myth. It is very much real and we need to make our boys aware about it.

As the famous feminist and activist   Gloria Steinem rightly says, “I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.” So let’s allow our boys to have more choices and instill the positive attributes that girls are allowed to have. We all know men can learn lot of things from women, so let’s just teach it to them while they’re young.