Undivided loving attention – the most precious gift we can give it to our kids

The Scene- Me playing ‘peek a boo ‘with my eight month old son. Ideal Situation- I am fully engaged in playing my son Reality-In between the game or any other activity that  I am doing with my son  I  intentionally or unintentionally take out my phone and check notifications on Whatsapp or  my to do list for the next day. I wish I could say this was an exception and not the norm. I hate to admit but the truth is that I have a lot of trouble staying present and paying undivided attention when I am with my son. I know some of you might not have ever felt this way but I am sure some of us have. How often have we found ourselves so busy with the household stuff or some other important chore that we can’t play with our kids?  How often are we engrossed in the fabulous online world while our children long to tell how their day was? How often have we asked our children not to bother us while we are ironically blogging about them? (I am guilty of this .Please don’t judge me) What is the most precious gift we can give to our kids?  Undivided loving attention is the most precious gift we can give it to them. The more they get the better they feel. Being present is different from being with your child all the time.  It has nothing to do with being a stay at home mom or being a working mom. We all want to be more available, less distracted and more tuned to our children.It sounds easy bur our busy schedules and ever present devices makes it hard to spend uninterrupted time with them. Here are some of the habits and skills that have proven to be helpful to me in being more present with my child. Hope they can be of help to you also.Unplug from technology- Technology has some wonderful benefits. We use it every day. But once in a while we should try to have some special time with our  children  when we can put our  phone away, shut  down our laptop, unplug our TV and hide that I pad.Make eye contact with your child -  Sometimes when  our   children are   taking to us  we are   so engrossed in our chores that we just answer  them  without looking at him . It would be great we  decide to pause for a moment  and   look at them and listen to their words.  It is great for the self esteem of the child also.Enjoying what’s happening right now- Yes I know that moms are super busy. There are always some errands that need to be done-the mails need to be answered or dishes in the kitchen need to be cleaned. But  we should try to enjoy  the moment that  we have with our child. Personally I try to remind myself that every moment I spend with my child is special. Slow down- I have noticed that rushing down things triggers me to become more rigid and over controlling. But when I slow down I am much more calm and happy. In turn people around me are also much happier. If we slow down we can savor every moment.Let them be children – How many times we allow our kids to make a mess and live a full life?  I enjoy getting on the floor  with  my son. All kids enjoy playing silly games with their parents and will cherish these special moments than anything else when they grow up. Here is my favourite quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that sums up everything.  “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they bloom like flowers.” Undivided loving attention is the single most important gift we can give to our children. Toys, clothes and chocolates bars can be replaced. Children grow up too quickly so let’s enjoy them, get to know them and don’t be a parent who has regrets after your children have grown up!

Why do kids inherit Dad’s last name instead of Mom?

Recently my nephew has started his formal school and few days back he came and told his mom that his friends found his surname to be really cool as it is the longest in the class.  Yes quite a big name for this little dude as he carries the surnames of both his parents.  My sister kept her own last name after marriage and when they had to name their son both the parents thought that their son should share the identities of both of them.


These days women keeping their own name or hyphenating their last name upon marriage is so common that it’s barely worth mentioning, but their passing of these names onto their children does raises a few eyebrows.


In India motherhood is celebrated and everyone believes that God cannot be present everywhere so they made mothers. Quite recently we celebrated Mothers Day and it was great to see people from all walks of life were flooding the internet with so many messages   and quotes about importance of mothers in their lives.
 

But when we name our children, the mother’s side of the family is all but forgotten. It is quite obvious the children are given the father’s surname. As Shakespeare had said “What’s there in the name”? so shall we not think too much about this.  In India it is not just the name, rather it is more than that.


 When we are born, one of the fundamental identities given to us is a name. In India most, cultures (except a few matrilineal societies in the North- East and down- South) are patrilineal  so we inherit our fathers surname .May be this one of the major reasons why sons are preferred over daughters across all the religious, caste and class spectrum of our country .It is because of this very fundamental patrilineal  norm that only the male child carries the ‘vansh’ forward. A female child, however is “ parya dhan” , she too, will take her father’s name on birth , only to lose it and be merged into her husband’s upon marriage. Her children will not be able to carry the lineage of the family forward.

I think in today’s scenario when inter- caste, inter-regional and inter religious marriages are on the rise and a women sometimes find themselves cast as single mothers raising children all by themselves this old age practice needs a little introspection from all of us.


India is not isolated in this as in most of the English speaking world whether Britain or USA taking the father’s surname is the common practice. In USA, only a few traditional families use the mother’s maiden name as the child’s middle name .That  is how   Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Americas 32nd president got his middle name.   In Spain and Spanish speaking countries in America, children have two surnames- the first from the father and the second from the mother. Famous painter Pablo Ruiz Picasso used his maternal surname, Picasso, as his signature.


Yes slowly some  change is happening in our society as some children are having the surnames of both the parents or a hyphenated one consisting of the last names of both mother and father .Some parents are even choosing not to have any surname for their child .Renowned film director Sanjay Leela Bhansali has adopted the middle name “ Leela” as a tribute to his mother. Change is a slow process and it takes time for everyone to accept something new. As certain other customs, traditions and practices are evolving and changing with passage of time so may be this age old practice will also see a change in near future. So this Mothers Day lets at least  introspect and hope for a more egalitarian society where the lady who brought us into the world also gets her due.

Breast Cancer Prevention: How To Reduce Your Risk

October is breast cancer awareness month, an annual campaign to educate people about breast cancer. Breast cancer is the most prevalent form of cancer. This disease has become a major problem all across the world including India. As an initiative to spread awareness about Breast Cancer, Fortis La Femme Delhi provided me with a complementary breast checkup and an opportunity to have a conversation with Dr Madhu Goel, an expert in the field of Breast Cancer. Dr Goel has been practicing in the field of gynaecology for the last 15 years and is a Sr. Consultant at Fortis La Femme Hospital. She answered all my questions, concerns and more.

What is Breast Cancer?
Breast Cancer is characterized by uncontrolled growth of cells, which results in formation of lumps within the breast. It is one of the treatable forms of cancers. If not detected, it can be a life threatening disease as it can also spread to other parts of the body.

What are the risk factors of Breast Cancer?
Gender: Breast cancer is much the more commoner in females. Out of every 100 cases of breast cancer, only 1 may be in a male.
Age: As the age increases, the chances of developing breast cancer increases.
Family history: If you have relatives or family members with breast cancer, then your chances of suffering are also high. There are certain genes which result in breast cancer if they have mutations in them. These mutated genes can be passed on from the parent to the child
Stress: Stress is a general risk factor that increases chances of developing any cancer.
Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT): This has been realized as an important risk factor. Hormone replacement therapy consists of giving a combination of estrogen and progesterone to relieve menopausal symptoms like hot flashes, loss of sexual desire, etc.
Oral Contraceptives: There is a slightly higher risk of developing breast cancer in ladies taking oral contraceptives.
Breast tissue composition: Researchers believe that women with desnse breast tissue have a higher chance of develpoing breast cancer.
Obesity: Obese individuals have a higher incidence of developing breast cancer.
Delayed pregnancy or no pregnancy: Not giving birth to a child puts you at a higher risk of breast cancer. A woman who gives birth to children has a 30% lowered risk than a woman who was never pregnant.
Diet and lifestyle choices: Women who smoke, eat high fat diet, drink alcohol are more at risk of developing breast cancer.
Radiation Exposure: Frequent exposure to X-Rays and CT scans may raise a women’s chance of developing breast cancer.
Oesterogen exposure: Women who started having period’s early or entered menopause later than usual are at a higher risk of developing breast cancer  

What are the symptoms of Breast Cancer?

• A new lump or mass, however 80% of lumps are not cancerous.
• A discharge other than breast milk
• Retraction, inward turning of the nipple
• General swelling without a lump
• Redness in the nipple or breast skin

 What are the major screening tools to detect Breast Cancer?
Self-examination: Self-examination can be done to check for abnormal or painful lumps. The best time to do this is a week after your menstrual period when the breasts are least lumpy. If you do not have a menstrual period, pick one day each month. To do this, lift one arm and feel the breast on that side for any lumps. Do the same on the other side. It is important to do this regularly-about once a month, so that you know which lumps are normal. If you find lumps that are not usually there or that are painful or tender, contact your doctor for further examination.
Examination by a doctor: A doctor will perform a breast exam to detect any signs of breast cancer.
Mammogram: A Mammogram is a special breast x-ray done on a Mammogram machine. It is the best screening test for reducing the risk of dying from breast cancer. Women above age 40 should have a mammogram done every two years.

Can you suggest some preventive measures that one could take to avoid the risk of Breast Cancer?
Prevention is always better than cure.  Some preventive measures that one could take to avoid the risk of breast cancer are:

• It is important to self examine your breasts .Women should be aware as to how their breast normally look and feel. It is advisable for women who are around 40 to get their mammography done.

• Physical activity is important not just to maintain your weight but also to stay fit, which can shield you from various diseases. Regular physical activity and the maintenance of a healthy body wieght, along with a healthy diet, could considerably reduce breast cancer risk.
• Following a healthy diet can benefit you in various ways, keeping a check on numerous illnesses. With constant reports of carcinogens (cancer causing substances) found in commercially processed bread, meat, aerated beverages etc, it only becomes more important now to watch what we eat.
• Breastfeeding can lower breast cancer risk, especially if a woman breastfeeds for a longer period of time, preferably till the new born is at least one year
• Don’t smoke or drink alcohol in excess.
• Limit Hormone Therapy

What are some of the myths prevalent regarding breast cancer?

• A lump in your breast means you have breast cancer

Only a small percentage of lumps in the breast are cancerous. But if there is a persistent lump in the breast or any change in the breast tissue, always consult a doctor for a clinical breast exam.

• If you have a family history of breast cancer, you will develop breast cancer, too.

Only around 10% of individuals having breast cancer have a family history of this disease. Most women who are diagnosed with cancer have no family history.

• Breast cancer is contagious.

Breast cancer neither can be caught from someone nor can be transferred to someone. It is a non communicable disease which results from uncontrolled cell growth of the breast tissue.

• A mammogram can cause spread of breast cancer.

A mammogram or X-ray of breast helps in early detection of breast cancer. It requires a very small dose of radiation. The risk of harm from this radiation is extremely low.
 
About Fortis La Femme -Fortis La Femme is a unique facility, inspired by the core belief that a woman is a very special person with special needs. Medical care at the hospital includes Obstetrics (Painless Labor), Gynecology, Neonatology (Level III NICU), Anesthesia, General & Laparoscopic Surgery, Cosmetic Surgeries and Genetic & Fetal Medicine.

        

Delhi Gets Its First ‘Pink Toilet’

To help women and girls access hygienic washrooms in busy markets, the South Delhi Municipal Corporation inaugurated the first ‘pink toilet’ in Vikaspuri on the special occasion of the International Girl Child Day.  The first of its kind, this ‘Pink Toilet’ is designed in a systematic manner and offers a lot of services for the convenience of women.The toilet is equipped with vending machines for sanitary napkins, incinerator facilities and feeding area for breastfeeding mothers! Sounds like a perfect gift to women!

According to the South Delhi Municipal Corporation mayor, Kamaljeet Sehrawat,  the market in Vikaspuri has been chosen as it sees a high footfall of women and girls and they always face a lot of problems in accessing hygienic toilets and toilets with sanitary napkins and facilities for their safe disposal. The civic agency aims to open more such toilets in various busy markets also. They soon plan to start inviting applications from people desiring to open such facilities in their area. They have also requested users of the ‘Pink Toilet’ to keep it clean so that the next user does not face any problem.


We all know that women in India have to go  without peeing for hours and sometimes even an entire work day as women’s restrooms are not readily available here and if they are, they dirty, stinky and without any basic facilities. So a move like this is indeed a great step in the direction of women empowerment and will surely encourage more and more women to step out in public places and move around freely. Irrespective of the colour they get painted, as somewhere assigning a particular colour to such toilets can perpetuate stereotype about women,  we definitely  need more toilet like these as they will surely go a long way in providing a convenient and safe place for women.

Will Your Husband Change Diapers?

When we came from the hospital after the birth of my son my husband changed his first diaper. Then for the first week he changed most of the diapers as I was busy struggling with breast feeding and other things. During the last eight months of our roller coaster ride of being parents we have shared the diaper duty. As and when whoever was not occupied changed it.  I never thought about it much till our recent visit to a common friend’s place.  The husband was very happily playing with his daughter till he smelled something fishy. Then he checked and called the wife to do the task. He laughed and said “I can handle a team of 50 people in office but  this is just not my cup of tea. Diapers are strictly a mom’s job “. He left the room also to avoid watching apparently not a very pleasant sight.  That made me really think is changing diapers strictly a women’s job? He is not alone. Most of the Indian men think like him. I read about a report on attitudes about diaper changing, disparity and dominance in six different countries. 86% of Indian men believed that changing diapers, giving kids a bath and feeding kids are the mothers’ responsibility as compared to only 10% men in Brazil.  The survey was conducted in six developing nations- Brazil, Croatia, Chile, India, Mexico and Rwanda. The study ranked Indian men lowest when it comes to gender equity, along with Rwanda. But did we really need a survey to tell this? Indian men and often most of the woman still think that men are not capable of most of the parenting tasks like cleaning, feeding and bathing the baby.

Most of the elderly ladies in the family especially the mother in law( not mine)  if confronted with the sight of a man  doing any household chore or baby related stuff insist on doing themselves .Sometimes we as mothers also want to do everything on our own. Some of my mommy friends don’t want to involve their husbands in parenting as they think they are not capable of doing it in a right way. I think if you as a mother want to share parenting responsibility with your husband then let him do it his way. Women need to get over this idea that we are indispensable and that we know the best. From my personal experience I can tell you that men can be equally good at childcare duties and sometimes even better than mothers. My husband is an example of that. He is completely capable of handing tantrums, diaper leaks and eating disasters  with ease.  Sometimes when men do pitch in and take care of their own children they are treated as if they are doing something extraordinary. Recently my sister had to go on a work related outstation trip for a week and by brother in law looked after my nephew.  He managed everything quiet well. Surprisingly    everybody in family couldn’t stop talking about how wonderful he is and how lucky my sister was to have him. I did not know that he belonged to such a rare breed of men. It wouldn't not have been case if we would have reversed the roles.

In this way we continue to perpetuate the stereotype. Women nurture and men pay the bills. I agree that bearing a child and breastfeeding is biologically women’s work but everything else can be shared.  It is heartening to see that slowly change is happening.  Now we do have some rare stay-at- home dads also. Women too   are paying the bills and men are looking after the children as well. Parents need to bring up their children to do both kinds of work, teaching them how to cook and earn a living for themselves. In today's time both genders should know how to cook because neither feminism nor sexism is going to help you when you are hungry. With both husbands and wives now working outside the house it does make sense for both parents to learn and play different roles. The more we encourage gentleness and caring in boys, the more nurturing and helpful they will be at home when they become parents. Dads’ doing their fair share at home supports moms’ empowerment. If men are free of stereotypes, then women can choose to be more career focused. If both parents choose to work outside home, then both can share the childcare duties without attaching gender label to these duties.  I have seen men appreciating wife who can contribute financially to the household income then women will also surely appreciate a man who can change the diapers. By the way while I was busy writing this blog my husband had cleaned the poop of the baby and fed him also.

Should I consider myself lucky?  

Dear Son, You Can Do Anything A girl Can Do!

Oh!  You can be anything you want my dear – an astronaut, an engineer or even join Defense services; that is what most of us tell our daughters these days.

You want to play football or cricket? Why not? See our Indian Women’s National Cricket team is doing so well.

You want to choose shorts over skirt? Sure, wear whatever you are comfortable wearing.

If you don’t want to get married! Perfectly fine! 

This is our way of empowering our daughters and teaching them that they can achieve anything and their gender shouldn’t stand in their way. From ‘Chak De India ‘ to ‘Dangal’  our Bollywood movies have   done their bit in sensitizing the audience about gender equality.  As parents we are working so hard not to stereotype our girls as homemakers and delicate princess. No doubt, in today’s world the girls have more choices for the roles they want to play. 

But what are we doing for our sons? The world and roles for boys are still so confined. If we can encourage our daughters to play cricket and become scientists, then can we ask our sons to learn Kathak, play with dolls or become a nurse? Probably most of the parents would not like to do so! The boys are discouraged from having any interest which is feminine according to the societal norms. Boys are supposed to be tough and can’t cry or feel vulnerable or sad. The other day someone told my two year old “Don’t cry like a girl”. Is it fair? When they grow up they need to have a career and provide for their families .For girls it is still optional, they can either work outside home or stay at home.

 If we want an equitable society then both the genders need to thrive and our boys need to have more choices. We need to give them the confidence to pursue whatever they are passionate about.

So when my little one was born, we as parents decided to consciously stay away from enforcing stereotypes. With a professional background of Child Development, I  knew that until the age of three or four children don’t associate any gender with their bodies .And as they grow old their perspective is framed by their environment — family, the neighborhood and school. That’s why from the very beginning we decided to focus on a more gender neutral upbringing by doing the following tangible things:

1.No activity is meant for just  women or men  - Aarush, like most kids is fascinated by my bright colored lipsticks and nail polish and wants to apply them too. Instead of telling him that it’s only for girls, I tell him that he can wear them when he is a big boy as mom applies it now that she’s a big girl. He has a kitchen set along with a tool set to play with. As parents we always believe that children learn about the world and about themselves through play, and when we don’t limit their choices-whether it’s with regards to toys or hobbies or even the colours they choose to wear- it allows them to express and understand themselves better and therefore to grow into more balanced people.

 We know that action speaks louder than the words so at our home we try our level best to resist gender role in child-rearing activities and household chores. My son knows that both mom and dad go for work and both of them can do cooking or any other chore.  At our house, everything is everybody’s job.

2. Boys cry too! - Boys like girls are allowed to have feelings, lets settle that for once and all. Our daughters are allowed to be human beings but our sons are expected to be supernatural. Every sobbing male child or young adult is told -“Are you a girl?" or "Don't behave like a girl". “Ladke nahi rote hain!" as only the 'weaker sex' can cry, not boys and definitely not men as they are always meant to be 'tough'. The phrase ‘man up’ has been a major part of every guy’s socialization. There is immense pressure on men to conceal their emotions, make themselves indifferent to an extent that they don’t allow themselves to admit their pain, both to the world and themselves. There’s always the pressure to be that hero who is not scared of anything and mind you, he never ever shows the world that he feels pain.In the hindsight,  it prepares them to think that they are inherently a stronger sex and women who are considered to be the weaker sex must be submissive to them at all points of time. This also makes their aggression, anger and bad behaviour acceptable.  To raise an ‘emotionally intelligent’ boy, we need to tell them that  it’s OK to say things like, ‘I am scared,’ ‘My feelings are hurt,’ ‘I need help’ or ‘I feel like crying. ‘We need to allow our boys to live their lives according to their own likes and dislikes, feel and express emotions, most importantly, allow themselves to be a human.

3.Teach boys to take care of themselves and others –I personally know some grown up men who live on the mercies of others. They are totally dependent on their mothers and after marriage on their wives.  They have absolutely no idea about housecleaning, cooking, laundry or how to look after themselves. This is really so sad. While raising our daughters we teach them to cook, clean and look after themselves so that they are confident enough to survive in any circumstances. There are certain basic life skills which we need to teach our boys too. They should know how to take care of themselves and others. Giving our young boys certain responsibilities like looking after younger sibling or pets, helping grandparents , watering the plants etc will surely make them more responsible, caring and sensitive individuals.

4.Respecting consent and choice – Teaching boys about consent and respect at an early age is something I strongly feel about. We need to teach our sons to respect boundaries. They must not be made to feel like their gender entitles them to anything. I have always told my son that he is in charge of his body, and similarly, others are in charge of their own. Sometimes Mama or Papa doesn’t want to be hugged or kissed and that is their wish, similarly sometimes he may not want to be hugged and he is free to tell me that. People have their own personal space and it cannot and must not be intruded upon without permission. We need to respect the wishes of those we are interacting with. Other than learning about respecting women when they grow up, this will also help them to respect their own personal space and will help to raise an alarm is anyone touches them inappropriately. In most of the reported child sexual abuse cases a girl is a victim but studies indicate that boys are equally or even more at risk of being abused. Contrary to common societal beliefs, male child sexual abuse is not a myth. It is very much real and we need to make our boys aware about it.

As the famous feminist and activist   Gloria Steinem rightly says, “I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.” So let’s allow our boys to have more choices and instill the positive attributes that girls are allowed to have. We all know men can learn lot of things from women, so let’s just teach it to them while they’re young. 

I Respect My Child’s Right to Say No

It was the much awaited family reunion. Everyone wanted to shower blessings on my two and half year old son. Seeing so many new faces around him, my little one was feeling a little uncomfortable and buried his head in my shoulder.  There were maternal and paternal grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins and some of them expected hugs and kisses from the little one even when he was not comfortable.   Initially to respect their feelings, I urged him to endure and even return the uncomfortable physical contact but then the maternal instinct took over and I politely refused. That day as parents, both my husband and I decided that we will not force our son to hug or kiss anyone including his own parents when he doesn’t want to.  

Forced affection or respect is never genuine has been the guiding mantra for us. In my journey of motherhood so far I have always witnessed that whenever children express affection on their own it is well received by everyone. As parents we need to respect the child’s personal space and boundaries by not forcing them and by simply asking them if they would like to give a kiss or a hug. Forcing children to show physical affection to relatives against their will may teach him to accept violation of their intimate space, making them vulnerable to sexual abuse.

Also we need to understand that declining physical affection to people in a position of authority does not amount to bad behaviour. And while this may momentarily disappoint a relative or a friend in the short-term, but the grown adults should be able to handle rejection and the burden doesn't need to be placed on a child to make an adult feel better.  Alternatives like a polite handshake or ‘Namaste’ could be a better option and can be a lesson in boundaries for both children and adults. Children can exhibit good manners in social situations in a lot of other ways like greeting guests politely, help walk an elderly member to the door, saying goodbye or, when they're in someone else's home, thank them for hosting.

“Everyone is in charge of their own bodies”, is a   phrase that we have echoed often to our son. This serves a good reminder when he is playing with his friends and as well as when an adult is asking him to hug or sit in their lap. As a mom I sincerely hope that it is a value that he will ingrain deeply so that he is confident in saying ‘NO’ to any unwanted affection in any difficult situation he faces when he grows up. We need to teach our children irrespective of their gender and age about bodily autonomy and consent.