Stop Capturing Your Child's Every Special Moment. Just Enjoy It !

With a new baby there are so many firsts! As you see your baby’s first simile, his first steps, his first words as a parent you want to cheer and capture them right then and there. Finding a way to capture all of your baby’s milestones can be overwhelming. For a sleep deprived mom this becomes even more difficult.  With my seven month old baby I wanted to capture each and every milestone and preserve those special memories. I was so excited to capture every part of my son growing up that I took thousands of pictures in the initial months.
So one day as usual when I noticed he has started rolling over I rushed and tried to make a video of that special moment but missed it by a second.  When my husband returned from the office I apologized to him and told him that I was not able to capture it. “That’s a good thing,” he said. “It probably means you just enjoyed it.”It really hit the right chord somewhere.
As I reflect back I realized I was always on a mission to capture everything.It was not only regarding baby but generally every special event. It seems I always wanted to capture every moment and preserve it forever. But I am not the only one doing that.  If I look around myself everyone is doing it. Then what is the harm?
The problem is that I somehow stopped enjoying that special moment. My desire to capture the moment was actually ruining the moment. I was always playing with my camera, looking for the best angle, viewing the picture and often retaking the shot in an effort to get the “right” photo. To be honest I rarely had the time to look at the photos that I had taken. I think spending time with my son and engaging in his moments today is far more fulfilling than pouring through old photographs. Also sometimes the “result” is artificial.  In life we don’t get to re-do the experiences of our lives. But we try to take our pictures as if we can “get it just right.”
So one fine day I decided not to capture every special moment of my baby. Initially most of the time, as my baby did something new I had the urge to reach for my phone and seize it. I resisted, though, and after an instant of hesitation, I was able to enjoy each event for all its worth. I took it all in-right then and right there. I learnt to enjoy the experience for what it was: a perfect moment.

I know that this time of my baby is special and will go so quickly.  In the blink of an eye, my little bundle of joy will turn into a one year old boy and from there life moves more quickly. I agree it is important to document baby’s precious first year. These are the memories that both the parents and the child are going to treasure for the rest of their lives. But it’s all about striking a right balance .We don’t have to go over board to capture those memories. Sometimes we just need to enjoy those moments . I know that there are parents whose opinion can differ from mine and I wholeheartedly respect that.    

Screen Time Syndrome

On 21st of November as we are celebrating ' World Television Day'  so it  seemed as a perfect opportunity to share something related to Television. These days cell phones, tablets, I pads and computers have also joined television and all this contribute to the screen time our children get. “Screen time" is a term used for activities done in front of a screen, such as watching TV, working on a computer, or playing video games. Screen time is sedentary activity, meaning you are being physically inactive while sitting down. Very little energy is used during screen time.
Screens -a bad baby sitter
I couldn’t write this blog without feeling guilty of the act. I admit,  I too hand over my three year old nephew my smartphone to watch family photographs and nursery rhymes on YouTube.  (Don’t judge me). We all have used TV as a babysitter when   we are running out of time or have to meet our work deadlines.
Change in guidelines by American Pediatric Association
For years, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has adopted an on/off switch mentality when it comes to children and screen time. It used to recommend that children, ages two and under, have absolutely no exposure to screens. For older kids, the AAP recommended limiting ‘screen time’ to just two hours a day. Now, the guidelines have been changed so that they reflect a more nuanced approach.The American Academy of Pediatrics is revising its suggested limits on screen time for kids. The new guidelines do away with these specific numbers, instead tell parents to carefully curate content, get "plugged in" with your kids by playing video games together, and find time to "unplug" with some good old-fashioned playtime.
Disadvantages of too much Screen Time
Apart from age old ill-effects on eyesight there are many other disadvantages of too much screen time.
·  Too much screen time can cause sleep disorders in kids.
·  Studies indicate excess screen time raises risk of attention problems, anxiety and depression in children.
· It raises the  risk of  children gaining too much weight (obesity).Screen time increases your child's risk of obesity because
1.       Sitting and watching a screen is time that is not spent being physically active.
2.       TV commercials and other screen ads can lead to unhealthy food choices. Most of the time, the foods in ads that are aimed at kids are high in sugar, salt, or fats.
3.       Children eat more when they are watching TV, especially if they see ads for food.
·  It is said that children who watch violent TV shows or play violent video games display aggressive behavior.

Some of the tips that has helped me in  limiting the  screen time are - 

1.Teaching kids the 20-20-20 rule- Doctors recommend that every 20 minutes your kids should take a break from looking at their computer screen and focus on an object at least 20 feet away for at least 20 seconds. This is commonly referred to as the 20/20/20 rule.

2.Set a good example- Kids learn by example. We need to evaluate our own media use and set limits. Parents are children’s role model and so if they cannot disconnect, how can they expect their child to disconnect. We need to make sure there is screen free time when it’s family time or while we are having conversations


3.Set Time limits- Banishing Television or screens completely is not feasible but we need to establish time limits.

4.Be conscious of age-appropriateness- We all will agree that what’s OK for 8 isn’t OK for 4. As parents we need to use our judgment and can consult media reviews for reference.

5.Offer fun alternatives - Most of the times children grab a screen because they don’t know what else to do.  We need to provide them other alternatives like books, fun toys, outdoor sport equipment, art and craft material etc.

6.Banish TV in bedrooms-As kids get older, keep media out of their bedroom. When TVs or computers are in their room, kids spend more time using media, and parents are less involved with their choices.

 7.No dinner in front of TV-Dinner is the only meal that most families eat together but sadly in majority of homes television is on during this time. It not only steal time from family conversations but it is also harmful for health.

 8.Spend time with kids—As parents we tend to use television or other screens as baby sitters because we are too busy to spend time our kids (I am also guilty of this). But it is essential that we involve ourselves in their lives and show them that they are important for us to spend time with.

 Parenting is not one- size -fits all solution. Each parent has different opinions and experiences about screen time. There really is no magic number that ‘just right.’ The reality is that we are parents in digital age and our kids are growing in this technology driven world. But as long as there’s a balance, our kids should be just fine as too much of anything is not healthy.

Undivided loving attention – the most precious gift we can give it to our kids

The Scene- Me playing ‘peek a boo ‘with my eight month old son. Ideal Situation- I am fully engaged in playing my son Reality-In between the game or any other activity that  I am doing with my son  I  intentionally or unintentionally take out my phone and check notifications on Whatsapp or  my to do list for the next day. I wish I could say this was an exception and not the norm. I hate to admit but the truth is that I have a lot of trouble staying present and paying undivided attention when I am with my son. I know some of you might not have ever felt this way but I am sure some of us have. How often have we found ourselves so busy with the household stuff or some other important chore that we can’t play with our kids?  How often are we engrossed in the fabulous online world while our children long to tell how their day was? How often have we asked our children not to bother us while we are ironically blogging about them? (I am guilty of this .Please don’t judge me) What is the most precious gift we can give to our kids?  Undivided loving attention is the most precious gift we can give it to them. The more they get the better they feel. Being present is different from being with your child all the time.  It has nothing to do with being a stay at home mom or being a working mom. We all want to be more available, less distracted and more tuned to our children.It sounds easy bur our busy schedules and ever present devices makes it hard to spend uninterrupted time with them. Here are some of the habits and skills that have proven to be helpful to me in being more present with my child. Hope they can be of help to you also.Unplug from technology- Technology has some wonderful benefits. We use it every day. But once in a while we should try to have some special time with our  children  when we can put our  phone away, shut  down our laptop, unplug our TV and hide that I pad.Make eye contact with your child -  Sometimes when  our   children are   taking to us  we are   so engrossed in our chores that we just answer  them  without looking at him . It would be great we  decide to pause for a moment  and   look at them and listen to their words.  It is great for the self esteem of the child also.Enjoying what’s happening right now- Yes I know that moms are super busy. There are always some errands that need to be done-the mails need to be answered or dishes in the kitchen need to be cleaned. But  we should try to enjoy  the moment that  we have with our child. Personally I try to remind myself that every moment I spend with my child is special. Slow down- I have noticed that rushing down things triggers me to become more rigid and over controlling. But when I slow down I am much more calm and happy. In turn people around me are also much happier. If we slow down we can savor every moment.Let them be children – How many times we allow our kids to make a mess and live a full life?  I enjoy getting on the floor  with  my son. All kids enjoy playing silly games with their parents and will cherish these special moments than anything else when they grow up. Here is my favourite quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that sums up everything.  “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they bloom like flowers.” Undivided loving attention is the single most important gift we can give to our children. Toys, clothes and chocolates bars can be replaced. Children grow up too quickly so let’s enjoy them, get to know them and don’t be a parent who has regrets after your children have grown up!

Why do kids inherit Dad’s last name instead of Mom?

Recently my nephew has started his formal school and few days back he came and told his mom that his friends found his surname to be really cool as it is the longest in the class.  Yes quite a big name for this little dude as he carries the surnames of both his parents.  My sister kept her own last name after marriage and when they had to name their son both the parents thought that their son should share the identities of both of them.


These days women keeping their own name or hyphenating their last name upon marriage is so common that it’s barely worth mentioning, but their passing of these names onto their children does raises a few eyebrows.


In India motherhood is celebrated and everyone believes that God cannot be present everywhere so they made mothers. Quite recently we celebrated Mothers Day and it was great to see people from all walks of life were flooding the internet with so many messages   and quotes about importance of mothers in their lives.
 

But when we name our children, the mother’s side of the family is all but forgotten. It is quite obvious the children are given the father’s surname. As Shakespeare had said “What’s there in the name”? so shall we not think too much about this.  In India it is not just the name, rather it is more than that.


 When we are born, one of the fundamental identities given to us is a name. In India most, cultures (except a few matrilineal societies in the North- East and down- South) are patrilineal  so we inherit our fathers surname .May be this one of the major reasons why sons are preferred over daughters across all the religious, caste and class spectrum of our country .It is because of this very fundamental patrilineal  norm that only the male child carries the ‘vansh’ forward. A female child, however is “ parya dhan” , she too, will take her father’s name on birth , only to lose it and be merged into her husband’s upon marriage. Her children will not be able to carry the lineage of the family forward.

I think in today’s scenario when inter- caste, inter-regional and inter religious marriages are on the rise and a women sometimes find themselves cast as single mothers raising children all by themselves this old age practice needs a little introspection from all of us.


India is not isolated in this as in most of the English speaking world whether Britain or USA taking the father’s surname is the common practice. In USA, only a few traditional families use the mother’s maiden name as the child’s middle name .That  is how   Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Americas 32nd president got his middle name.   In Spain and Spanish speaking countries in America, children have two surnames- the first from the father and the second from the mother. Famous painter Pablo Ruiz Picasso used his maternal surname, Picasso, as his signature.


Yes slowly some  change is happening in our society as some children are having the surnames of both the parents or a hyphenated one consisting of the last names of both mother and father .Some parents are even choosing not to have any surname for their child .Renowned film director Sanjay Leela Bhansali has adopted the middle name “ Leela” as a tribute to his mother. Change is a slow process and it takes time for everyone to accept something new. As certain other customs, traditions and practices are evolving and changing with passage of time so may be this age old practice will also see a change in near future. So this Mothers Day lets at least  introspect and hope for a more egalitarian society where the lady who brought us into the world also gets her due.

Breast Cancer Prevention: How To Reduce Your Risk

October is breast cancer awareness month, an annual campaign to educate people about breast cancer. Breast cancer is the most prevalent form of cancer. This disease has become a major problem all across the world including India. As an initiative to spread awareness about Breast Cancer, Fortis La Femme Delhi provided me with a complementary breast checkup and an opportunity to have a conversation with Dr Madhu Goel, an expert in the field of Breast Cancer. Dr Goel has been practicing in the field of gynaecology for the last 15 years and is a Sr. Consultant at Fortis La Femme Hospital. She answered all my questions, concerns and more.

What is Breast Cancer?
Breast Cancer is characterized by uncontrolled growth of cells, which results in formation of lumps within the breast. It is one of the treatable forms of cancers. If not detected, it can be a life threatening disease as it can also spread to other parts of the body.

What are the risk factors of Breast Cancer?
Gender: Breast cancer is much the more commoner in females. Out of every 100 cases of breast cancer, only 1 may be in a male.
Age: As the age increases, the chances of developing breast cancer increases.
Family history: If you have relatives or family members with breast cancer, then your chances of suffering are also high. There are certain genes which result in breast cancer if they have mutations in them. These mutated genes can be passed on from the parent to the child
Stress: Stress is a general risk factor that increases chances of developing any cancer.
Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT): This has been realized as an important risk factor. Hormone replacement therapy consists of giving a combination of estrogen and progesterone to relieve menopausal symptoms like hot flashes, loss of sexual desire, etc.
Oral Contraceptives: There is a slightly higher risk of developing breast cancer in ladies taking oral contraceptives.
Breast tissue composition: Researchers believe that women with desnse breast tissue have a higher chance of develpoing breast cancer.
Obesity: Obese individuals have a higher incidence of developing breast cancer.
Delayed pregnancy or no pregnancy: Not giving birth to a child puts you at a higher risk of breast cancer. A woman who gives birth to children has a 30% lowered risk than a woman who was never pregnant.
Diet and lifestyle choices: Women who smoke, eat high fat diet, drink alcohol are more at risk of developing breast cancer.
Radiation Exposure: Frequent exposure to X-Rays and CT scans may raise a women’s chance of developing breast cancer.
Oesterogen exposure: Women who started having period’s early or entered menopause later than usual are at a higher risk of developing breast cancer  

What are the symptoms of Breast Cancer?

• A new lump or mass, however 80% of lumps are not cancerous.
• A discharge other than breast milk
• Retraction, inward turning of the nipple
• General swelling without a lump
• Redness in the nipple or breast skin

 What are the major screening tools to detect Breast Cancer?
Self-examination: Self-examination can be done to check for abnormal or painful lumps. The best time to do this is a week after your menstrual period when the breasts are least lumpy. If you do not have a menstrual period, pick one day each month. To do this, lift one arm and feel the breast on that side for any lumps. Do the same on the other side. It is important to do this regularly-about once a month, so that you know which lumps are normal. If you find lumps that are not usually there or that are painful or tender, contact your doctor for further examination.
Examination by a doctor: A doctor will perform a breast exam to detect any signs of breast cancer.
Mammogram: A Mammogram is a special breast x-ray done on a Mammogram machine. It is the best screening test for reducing the risk of dying from breast cancer. Women above age 40 should have a mammogram done every two years.

Can you suggest some preventive measures that one could take to avoid the risk of Breast Cancer?
Prevention is always better than cure.  Some preventive measures that one could take to avoid the risk of breast cancer are:

• It is important to self examine your breasts .Women should be aware as to how their breast normally look and feel. It is advisable for women who are around 40 to get their mammography done.

• Physical activity is important not just to maintain your weight but also to stay fit, which can shield you from various diseases. Regular physical activity and the maintenance of a healthy body wieght, along with a healthy diet, could considerably reduce breast cancer risk.
• Following a healthy diet can benefit you in various ways, keeping a check on numerous illnesses. With constant reports of carcinogens (cancer causing substances) found in commercially processed bread, meat, aerated beverages etc, it only becomes more important now to watch what we eat.
• Breastfeeding can lower breast cancer risk, especially if a woman breastfeeds for a longer period of time, preferably till the new born is at least one year
• Don’t smoke or drink alcohol in excess.
• Limit Hormone Therapy

What are some of the myths prevalent regarding breast cancer?

• A lump in your breast means you have breast cancer

Only a small percentage of lumps in the breast are cancerous. But if there is a persistent lump in the breast or any change in the breast tissue, always consult a doctor for a clinical breast exam.

• If you have a family history of breast cancer, you will develop breast cancer, too.

Only around 10% of individuals having breast cancer have a family history of this disease. Most women who are diagnosed with cancer have no family history.

• Breast cancer is contagious.

Breast cancer neither can be caught from someone nor can be transferred to someone. It is a non communicable disease which results from uncontrolled cell growth of the breast tissue.

• A mammogram can cause spread of breast cancer.

A mammogram or X-ray of breast helps in early detection of breast cancer. It requires a very small dose of radiation. The risk of harm from this radiation is extremely low.
 
About Fortis La Femme -Fortis La Femme is a unique facility, inspired by the core belief that a woman is a very special person with special needs. Medical care at the hospital includes Obstetrics (Painless Labor), Gynecology, Neonatology (Level III NICU), Anesthesia, General & Laparoscopic Surgery, Cosmetic Surgeries and Genetic & Fetal Medicine.

        

Delhi Gets Its First ‘Pink Toilet’

To help women and girls access hygienic washrooms in busy markets, the South Delhi Municipal Corporation inaugurated the first ‘pink toilet’ in Vikaspuri on the special occasion of the International Girl Child Day.  The first of its kind, this ‘Pink Toilet’ is designed in a systematic manner and offers a lot of services for the convenience of women.The toilet is equipped with vending machines for sanitary napkins, incinerator facilities and feeding area for breastfeeding mothers! Sounds like a perfect gift to women!

According to the South Delhi Municipal Corporation mayor, Kamaljeet Sehrawat,  the market in Vikaspuri has been chosen as it sees a high footfall of women and girls and they always face a lot of problems in accessing hygienic toilets and toilets with sanitary napkins and facilities for their safe disposal. The civic agency aims to open more such toilets in various busy markets also. They soon plan to start inviting applications from people desiring to open such facilities in their area. They have also requested users of the ‘Pink Toilet’ to keep it clean so that the next user does not face any problem.


We all know that women in India have to go  without peeing for hours and sometimes even an entire work day as women’s restrooms are not readily available here and if they are, they dirty, stinky and without any basic facilities. So a move like this is indeed a great step in the direction of women empowerment and will surely encourage more and more women to step out in public places and move around freely. Irrespective of the colour they get painted, as somewhere assigning a particular colour to such toilets can perpetuate stereotype about women,  we definitely  need more toilet like these as they will surely go a long way in providing a convenient and safe place for women.

Will Your Husband Change Diapers?

When we came from the hospital after the birth of my son my husband changed his first diaper. Then for the first week he changed most of the diapers as I was busy struggling with breast feeding and other things. During the last eight months of our roller coaster ride of being parents we have shared the diaper duty. As and when whoever was not occupied changed it.  I never thought about it much till our recent visit to a common friend’s place.  The husband was very happily playing with his daughter till he smelled something fishy. Then he checked and called the wife to do the task. He laughed and said “I can handle a team of 50 people in office but  this is just not my cup of tea. Diapers are strictly a mom’s job “. He left the room also to avoid watching apparently not a very pleasant sight.  That made me really think is changing diapers strictly a women’s job? He is not alone. Most of the Indian men think like him. I read about a report on attitudes about diaper changing, disparity and dominance in six different countries. 86% of Indian men believed that changing diapers, giving kids a bath and feeding kids are the mothers’ responsibility as compared to only 10% men in Brazil.  The survey was conducted in six developing nations- Brazil, Croatia, Chile, India, Mexico and Rwanda. The study ranked Indian men lowest when it comes to gender equity, along with Rwanda. But did we really need a survey to tell this? Indian men and often most of the woman still think that men are not capable of most of the parenting tasks like cleaning, feeding and bathing the baby.

Most of the elderly ladies in the family especially the mother in law( not mine)  if confronted with the sight of a man  doing any household chore or baby related stuff insist on doing themselves .Sometimes we as mothers also want to do everything on our own. Some of my mommy friends don’t want to involve their husbands in parenting as they think they are not capable of doing it in a right way. I think if you as a mother want to share parenting responsibility with your husband then let him do it his way. Women need to get over this idea that we are indispensable and that we know the best. From my personal experience I can tell you that men can be equally good at childcare duties and sometimes even better than mothers. My husband is an example of that. He is completely capable of handing tantrums, diaper leaks and eating disasters  with ease.  Sometimes when men do pitch in and take care of their own children they are treated as if they are doing something extraordinary. Recently my sister had to go on a work related outstation trip for a week and by brother in law looked after my nephew.  He managed everything quiet well. Surprisingly    everybody in family couldn’t stop talking about how wonderful he is and how lucky my sister was to have him. I did not know that he belonged to such a rare breed of men. It wouldn't not have been case if we would have reversed the roles.

In this way we continue to perpetuate the stereotype. Women nurture and men pay the bills. I agree that bearing a child and breastfeeding is biologically women’s work but everything else can be shared.  It is heartening to see that slowly change is happening.  Now we do have some rare stay-at- home dads also. Women too   are paying the bills and men are looking after the children as well. Parents need to bring up their children to do both kinds of work, teaching them how to cook and earn a living for themselves. In today's time both genders should know how to cook because neither feminism nor sexism is going to help you when you are hungry. With both husbands and wives now working outside the house it does make sense for both parents to learn and play different roles. The more we encourage gentleness and caring in boys, the more nurturing and helpful they will be at home when they become parents. Dads’ doing their fair share at home supports moms’ empowerment. If men are free of stereotypes, then women can choose to be more career focused. If both parents choose to work outside home, then both can share the childcare duties without attaching gender label to these duties.  I have seen men appreciating wife who can contribute financially to the household income then women will also surely appreciate a man who can change the diapers. By the way while I was busy writing this blog my husband had cleaned the poop of the baby and fed him also.

Should I consider myself lucky?  

Dear Son, You Can Do Anything A girl Can Do!

Oh!  You can be anything you want my dear – an astronaut, an engineer or even join Defense services; that is what most of us tell our daughters these days.

You want to play football or cricket? Why not? See our Indian Women’s National Cricket team is doing so well.

You want to choose shorts over skirt? Sure, wear whatever you are comfortable wearing.

If you don’t want to get married! Perfectly fine! 

This is our way of empowering our daughters and teaching them that they can achieve anything and their gender shouldn’t stand in their way. From ‘Chak De India ‘ to ‘Dangal’  our Bollywood movies have   done their bit in sensitizing the audience about gender equality.  As parents we are working so hard not to stereotype our girls as homemakers and delicate princess. No doubt, in today’s world the girls have more choices for the roles they want to play. 

But what are we doing for our sons? The world and roles for boys are still so confined. If we can encourage our daughters to play cricket and become scientists, then can we ask our sons to learn Kathak, play with dolls or become a nurse? Probably most of the parents would not like to do so! The boys are discouraged from having any interest which is feminine according to the societal norms. Boys are supposed to be tough and can’t cry or feel vulnerable or sad. The other day someone told my two year old “Don’t cry like a girl”. Is it fair? When they grow up they need to have a career and provide for their families .For girls it is still optional, they can either work outside home or stay at home.

 If we want an equitable society then both the genders need to thrive and our boys need to have more choices. We need to give them the confidence to pursue whatever they are passionate about.

So when my little one was born, we as parents decided to consciously stay away from enforcing stereotypes. With a professional background of Child Development, I  knew that until the age of three or four children don’t associate any gender with their bodies .And as they grow old their perspective is framed by their environment — family, the neighborhood and school. That’s why from the very beginning we decided to focus on a more gender neutral upbringing by doing the following tangible things:

1.No activity is meant for just  women or men  - Aarush, like most kids is fascinated by my bright colored lipsticks and nail polish and wants to apply them too. Instead of telling him that it’s only for girls, I tell him that he can wear them when he is a big boy as mom applies it now that she’s a big girl. He has a kitchen set along with a tool set to play with. As parents we always believe that children learn about the world and about themselves through play, and when we don’t limit their choices-whether it’s with regards to toys or hobbies or even the colours they choose to wear- it allows them to express and understand themselves better and therefore to grow into more balanced people.

 We know that action speaks louder than the words so at our home we try our level best to resist gender role in child-rearing activities and household chores. My son knows that both mom and dad go for work and both of them can do cooking or any other chore.  At our house, everything is everybody’s job.

2. Boys cry too! - Boys like girls are allowed to have feelings, lets settle that for once and all. Our daughters are allowed to be human beings but our sons are expected to be supernatural. Every sobbing male child or young adult is told -“Are you a girl?" or "Don't behave like a girl". “Ladke nahi rote hain!" as only the 'weaker sex' can cry, not boys and definitely not men as they are always meant to be 'tough'. The phrase ‘man up’ has been a major part of every guy’s socialization. There is immense pressure on men to conceal their emotions, make themselves indifferent to an extent that they don’t allow themselves to admit their pain, both to the world and themselves. There’s always the pressure to be that hero who is not scared of anything and mind you, he never ever shows the world that he feels pain.In the hindsight,  it prepares them to think that they are inherently a stronger sex and women who are considered to be the weaker sex must be submissive to them at all points of time. This also makes their aggression, anger and bad behaviour acceptable.  To raise an ‘emotionally intelligent’ boy, we need to tell them that  it’s OK to say things like, ‘I am scared,’ ‘My feelings are hurt,’ ‘I need help’ or ‘I feel like crying. ‘We need to allow our boys to live their lives according to their own likes and dislikes, feel and express emotions, most importantly, allow themselves to be a human.

3.Teach boys to take care of themselves and others –I personally know some grown up men who live on the mercies of others. They are totally dependent on their mothers and after marriage on their wives.  They have absolutely no idea about housecleaning, cooking, laundry or how to look after themselves. This is really so sad. While raising our daughters we teach them to cook, clean and look after themselves so that they are confident enough to survive in any circumstances. There are certain basic life skills which we need to teach our boys too. They should know how to take care of themselves and others. Giving our young boys certain responsibilities like looking after younger sibling or pets, helping grandparents , watering the plants etc will surely make them more responsible, caring and sensitive individuals.

4.Respecting consent and choice – Teaching boys about consent and respect at an early age is something I strongly feel about. We need to teach our sons to respect boundaries. They must not be made to feel like their gender entitles them to anything. I have always told my son that he is in charge of his body, and similarly, others are in charge of their own. Sometimes Mama or Papa doesn’t want to be hugged or kissed and that is their wish, similarly sometimes he may not want to be hugged and he is free to tell me that. People have their own personal space and it cannot and must not be intruded upon without permission. We need to respect the wishes of those we are interacting with. Other than learning about respecting women when they grow up, this will also help them to respect their own personal space and will help to raise an alarm is anyone touches them inappropriately. In most of the reported child sexual abuse cases a girl is a victim but studies indicate that boys are equally or even more at risk of being abused. Contrary to common societal beliefs, male child sexual abuse is not a myth. It is very much real and we need to make our boys aware about it.

As the famous feminist and activist   Gloria Steinem rightly says, “I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.” So let’s allow our boys to have more choices and instill the positive attributes that girls are allowed to have. We all know men can learn lot of things from women, so let’s just teach it to them while they’re young. 

I Respect My Child’s Right to Say No

It was the much awaited family reunion. Everyone wanted to shower blessings on my two and half year old son. Seeing so many new faces around him, my little one was feeling a little uncomfortable and buried his head in my shoulder.  There were maternal and paternal grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins and some of them expected hugs and kisses from the little one even when he was not comfortable.   Initially to respect their feelings, I urged him to endure and even return the uncomfortable physical contact but then the maternal instinct took over and I politely refused. That day as parents, both my husband and I decided that we will not force our son to hug or kiss anyone including his own parents when he doesn’t want to.  

Forced affection or respect is never genuine has been the guiding mantra for us. In my journey of motherhood so far I have always witnessed that whenever children express affection on their own it is well received by everyone. As parents we need to respect the child’s personal space and boundaries by not forcing them and by simply asking them if they would like to give a kiss or a hug. Forcing children to show physical affection to relatives against their will may teach him to accept violation of their intimate space, making them vulnerable to sexual abuse.

Also we need to understand that declining physical affection to people in a position of authority does not amount to bad behaviour. And while this may momentarily disappoint a relative or a friend in the short-term, but the grown adults should be able to handle rejection and the burden doesn't need to be placed on a child to make an adult feel better.  Alternatives like a polite handshake or ‘Namaste’ could be a better option and can be a lesson in boundaries for both children and adults. Children can exhibit good manners in social situations in a lot of other ways like greeting guests politely, help walk an elderly member to the door, saying goodbye or, when they're in someone else's home, thank them for hosting.

“Everyone is in charge of their own bodies”, is a   phrase that we have echoed often to our son. This serves a good reminder when he is playing with his friends and as well as when an adult is asking him to hug or sit in their lap. As a mom I sincerely hope that it is a value that he will ingrain deeply so that he is confident in saying ‘NO’ to any unwanted affection in any difficult situation he faces when he grows up. We need to teach our children irrespective of their gender and age about bodily autonomy and consent.  

‘13 Reasons Why’-Getting Teens Talk about Suicide or Giving Them Ideas

‘13 Reasons Why’ is currently one of the most talked about shows on Netfix. It’s been deemed the most tweeted show of 2017 and the most discussed show on Facebook. Based on the bestseller by author Jay Asher, the show follows the lives of Hannah (Katherine Langford) and Clay (Dylan Minnette) before and after Hannah’s suicide respectively. Hannah leaves behind a box of 13 audiotapes detailing the things she felt pushed her to the brink and naming the people involved.

It is one of the most watched series online especially by teenagers and school children. The series deal with some really serious issues faced by teenagers across the world- bullying, rape, cyber bullying and suicide. The show was made with the intention to create awareness about these issues. But after watching the show personally I found it to be really disturbing. As a mom and an educator, to me it appeared to romanticize self-harm by depicting graphic and violent scenes of a suicidal teen with seemingly no avenues for help.

·       The show paints the option of suicide in romantic colours and it starts appearing like a good option if your life isn’t going well. The show constantly tries to justify Hannah’s decision.

·       According to the show taking revenge is a good thing. To teach certain people a lesson Hannah kills hers self. The vulnerable audience, the teenagers watching it might actually start believing that suicide is a good way to take revenge if people around you are not nice with you. After you are gone, they have to live with that guilt throughout their life.

·       Some of the scenes are extremely graphic and raw. Like the way Hannah kills herself can appear like a perfect manual of how to kill yourself. The vividly graphic depiction of rape is also quite disturbing for the viewers to watch.

·       While it may be obvious to some of us that Hannah is dealing with depression but the show makes no mention of depression or mental illness. At one point, Hannah does go to a school counselor but it was of no help.   This kind of negative projection of counselors would further deter the teenagers watching the show from seeking help.

·       The aspect that really disturbs me is that there is no positive modeling in the show. While it is important to bring awareness to issues like suicide, self-destructive behaviors but it is more productive to show what we should do in a difficult circumstance. Teenagers watching the show are going to presume that life challenges are impossible to handle and when they appear to be overwhelming than suicide is the solution.  It would have been great that if they would have showed Hannah fighting and getting justice.

What should the parents do?

Unfortunately all the controversy and debate (including this post) are making this show even more popular. Some schools are sending letters and warning emails to the parents asking them to censor it from their children. But does banning children from watching the show going to solve the problem?  We know how the brain of adolescents works. Telling them not to do something guarantees they will.    Personally I know a lot of my cousins who have been glued to it. Some of them think that it mirrors an average teenager’s life and identify with the characters shown in the series.

According to the counselors the best solution is that parents need to watch the show themselves, with their teenage children. Instead of calling it a bad show, make children understand how challenges can be dealt if thing are not going right for them. At least the show has put the spotlight on issues that teenagers are facing- bullying and violence. Some of the parents are not even aware that these things actually happen. We think that teen suicide happens in other countries but not in our own.  According to Global Burden of Disease Study, 2013 suicide is the biggest cause of death among 15-24 year old in India, followed by road accidents. Yes, teen suicides happen in India also. Whatever said and done, but the show has opened space for a dialogue around mental health issues and suicide.  Parents watching the show along with the children can try to make them understand that people suffering from mental illnesses need professional help. And no matter what happens, parents are always there for their children.

Is Sarahah, the popular anonymous messaging app putting children at risk?

When you give people a mask, they will reveal their ugliest self-an old adage is proven right by this new app called Sarahah, the most downloaded free app on iOS store in the last two months. Sarahah was on top of Apple App Store in over 30 countries in the month of  July. According to a BBC report, this has over 300 million users already . and in our country 7.2 million people have signed up for its web service.

What is Sarahah app?

The apps description on Google Play Store reads that “Sarahah helps people self-develop by receiving constructive anonymous feedback”. Interestingly, Sarahah means ‘honesty’ in Arabic, though this honesty is delivered anonymously. The app is available in English as well as Arabic for iOS and Andriod  users.

 How does Sarahah app work?

The users can either sign up either on the website sarahah.com or download the app from the Apple or Android play store. Then they get a shareable link to their inbox that they can pass around to friends-people have been typically using it on Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat, where people can send you direct messages anonymously.

The sender knows the identity of the receiver, but the receiver will never know from whom the message came from.

 What is the purpose of Sarahah?

Sarahah was created by a developer from Saudi Arabia called ZainAlabdin Tawfiq as a way for people to share honest thoughts anonymously with their friends and contacts. Apparently the purpose of the app is to help users at work discover their areas of strength and those in need of improvement. Outside of the office, it is meant to give friends a place to communicate honestly with one another both their strengths and areas for improvement. 

Unlike traditional social networks, users cannot interact with one another directly. There is no reply mechanism, or indication of who a message is from.

Why Sarahah is a risky venture especially for teenagers?

As a parent I believe that the potential of misuse of the Sarahah app is enormous. Even if we trust the developers’ vision -- people sending you honest messages and perhaps constructive criticism, it’s still very risky and could be a weapon for cyber bullies especially for the vulnerable teenagers. Anonymity is an addictive drug that can be misused very badly. As humans we tend to have a very nasty and sadistic side to us which comes out at its worst when we have a mask of anonymity over our identities.

It is worth mentioning that though platforms like Google, Facebook and Twitter have worked hard over the years to have people provide their true identities but they are still grappling with the menace of trolling, hate messages and even life threats. Signing up with Sarahah could means that you are deliberately exposing yourself to these threats online. Currently the users have a mixed opinion of the use of app. Some of the comments by the users’ on Google Play Store describe it as ‘‘great concept and fun’’ while another one mentions that “My friend attempted suicide because of what people were saying to her over this.” Personally I am not sure whether the comment is true or not but definitely it alarming for any parent in the world.  

The app has all the makings of becoming a breeding ground of hate and enmity.Also it appears to be the perfect recipe for depression as  it will either make you feel very good about yourself or aggravate every insecurity and every uncertainty you have ever felt harbored which is very dangerous in the case of adolescents who are still developing their self identity. We know that children are spending more time on internet than ever before are surely the worst victims of cyber-bullying.

 What can parents do?

The advent of “smart” technology has made parenting for our generation more challenging than ever before. Let’s accept the fact that we cannot stop children from accessing the internet. So let’s educate our children about cyber ethics and safety.

As parents we need to keep an eye on the websites they surf, the content they are looking up on Google. Sometimes the things that   viewed as “fun,” “normal,” and “no big deal” can be potentially dangerous. Also there needs be rationing of the gadget time by keeping a watch on what children do and don't. Ideally we should ask the children to play with their hands and legs and not with their fingers.

These days children have become increasingly isolated from the families so parental supervision of the internet usage is very important especially in the case of younger children. 

 Regarding this app we need to talk to our kids and try to find out if they have downloaded the app or know of their peers using it. Also we need to encourage them to trust their own instinct about how their peers perceive them, without seeking anonymous feedback that is unlikely to be truthful.

As parents we need to take out time to understand social media and discuss it with our children. In addition to parental supervision, we need to equip them with everything they need to know to make wise decisions about the usage of social media when you aren’t around.